I want to tell you my life story and I don’t want to say anything at all.
I want to cry enough tears so that no ocean knows drought.
Haven’t I already?
1) Haven’t I been there for you when your body was nothing but a creaky staircase like the one you thought woke the entire neighborhood the night you snuck out because darkness was your everything and I used my last wish to conjure up enough courage to hum “Please don’t…”
2) Maybe I don’t feel like playing nice anymore. I regurgitated enough thank yous for this lifetime and the next but that’s not a big enough sacrifice for the god of jellyfish, is it? Just because it was all an act doesn’t make the hurt any less real.
3) I wonder how many more times I have to slam my heart against the tip of your steel-toed boot for you to throw me a goddamned bone. You’re not even looking at me but I still bellow LOVE ME. You’re not even looking at me but I still exhale confidence the way you inhale insecurity and you’re not even looking at me.
I’ll go because I could.
I’ll go because I could be the Sun.
I’ll go because I could never be when my soul cannot.
When I’m finally gone, it’ll take more than a hallelujah to bring me back.
-erica jeudy ©